dogs

an exert from RESERVOIR DOGS

written by Quinten Tarantino

MR. BLONDE                MICHAEL MADSON
MR. PINK                       STEVE BUSCEMIE
MR. BROWN                 QUINTEN TATANTINO
MR. WHITE                    HARVEY KIETEL
MR. ORANGE               TIM ROTH
MR. BLUE                      EDDIE BUNKER
NICE GUY EDDIE         CHRIS PENN
JOE CABBOT                LAWRENCE TIERNEY

INT. UNCLE BOB'S PANCAKE HOUSE - MORNING

~ Eight men dressed in BLACK SUITS, sit around a table at a breakfast cafe. They are MR. WHITE, MR. PINK, MR. BLUE, MR. BLONDE, MR. ORANGE, MR. BROWN, NICE GUY EDDIE CABOT, and the big boss, JOE CABOT. Most are finished eating and are enjoying coffee and conversation. Joe flips through a small address book. Mr. Brown is telling a long and involved story about Madonna. ~ MR. BROWN "Like a Virgin" is all about a girl who digs a guy with a big dick. The whole song is a metaphor for big dicks. ~ MR. BLONDE No it's not. It's about a girl who is very vulnerable and she's been fucked over a few times. Then she meets some guy who's really sensitive-- ~ MR. BROWN --Whoa...whoa...time out Greenbay. Tell that bullshit to the tourists. ~ JOE (looking through his address book) Toby...who the fuck is Toby? Toby...Toby...think...think... think... ~ MR. BROWN It's not about a nice girl who meets a sensitive boy. Now granted that's what "True Blue" is about, no argument about that. ~ MR. ORANGE Which one is "True Blue?" ~ NICE GUY EDDIE You don't remember "True Blue?" That was a big ass hit for Madonna. Shit, I don't even follow this Tops In Pops shit, and I've at least heard of "True Blue." ~ MR. ORANGE Look, asshole, I didn't say I ain't heard of it. All I asked was how does it go? Excuse me for not being the world's biggest Madonna fan. ~ MR. WHITE I hate Madonna. ~ MR. BLUE I like her early stuff. You know, "Lucky Star," "Borderline" - but once she got into her "Papa Don't Preach" phase, I don't know, I tuned out. ~ MR. BROWN Hey, fuck all that, I'm making a point here. You're gonna make me lose my train of thought. ~ JOE Oh fuck, Toby's that little china girl. ~ MR. WHITE What's that? ~ JOE I found this old address book in a jacket I ain't worn in a coon's age. Toby what? What the fuck was her last name? ~ MR. BROWN Where was I? ~ MR. PINK You said "True Blue" was about a nice girl who finds a sensitive fella. But "Like a Virgin" was a metaphor for big dicks. ~ MR. BROWN Let me tell ya what "Like a Virgin"'s about. It's about some cooze who's a regular fuck machine. I mean all the time, morning, day, night, afternoon, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. ~ MR. BLUE How many dicks was that? ~ MR. WHITE A lot. ~ MR. BROWN Then one day she meets a John Holmes motherfucker, and it's like, whoa baby. This mother fucker's like Charles Bronson in "The Great Escape." He's diggin tunnels. Now she's gettin this serious dick action, she's feelin something she ain't felt since forever. Pain. ~ JOE Chew? Toby Chew? No. ~ MR. BROWN It hurts. It hurts her. It shouldn't hurt. Her pussy should be Bubble-Yum by now. But when this cat fucks her, it hurts. It hurts like the first time. The pain is reminding a fuck machine what is was like to be a virgin. Hence, "Like a Virgin." ~ The fellas crack up. ~ JOE Wong? ~ MR. BROWN Fuck you, wrong. I'm right! What the fuck do you know about it anyway? You're still listening to Jerry-fucking-Vale. ~ JOE Not wrong, dumb ass, Wong! You know, like the Chinese name? ~ Mr. White snatches the address book from Joe's hand. They fight, but they're not really mad at each other. ~ MR. WHITE Give me this fucking thing. ~ JOE What the fuck do you think you're doin? Give me my book back! ~ MR. WHITE I'm sick of fuckin hearin it Joe, I'll give it back when we leave. ~ JOE Whaddaya mean, give it to me when we leave, give it back now. ~ MR. WHITE For the past fifteen minutes now, you've just been droning on with names. "Toby...Toby...Toby... Toby Wong...Toby Wong...Toby Chung...fuckin Charlie Chan." I got Madonna's big dick outta my right ear, and Toby Jap I-don't- know-what, outta my left. ~ JOE What do you care? ~ MR. WHITE When you're annoying as hell, I care a lot. ~ JOE Give me my book. ~ MR. WHITE You gonna put it away? ~ JOE I'm gonna do whatever I wanna do with it. ~ MR. WHITE Well, then, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to keep it. ~ MR. BLONDE Joe, you want me to shoot him for you? ~ MR. WHITE Shit, you shoot me in a dream, you better wake up and apologize. ~ NICE GUY EDDIE Have you guys been listening to K- BILLY's super sounds of the seventies weekend? ~ MR. PINK Yeah, it's fuckin great isn't it? ~ NICE GUY EDDIE Can you believe the songs they been playin? ~ MR. PINK No, I can't. You know what I heard the other day? "Heartbeat - It's Lovebeat," by little Tony DeFranco and the DeFranco Family. I haven't heard that since I was in fifth fuckin grade. ~ NICE GUY EDDIE When I was coming down here, I was playin it. And "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia" came on. Now I ain't heard that song since it was big, but when it was big, I heard it a million- trillion times. I'm listening to it this morning, and this was the first time I ever realized that the lady singing the song, was the one who killed Andy. ~ MR. BLUE You didn't know Vicki Lawrence killed the guy? ~ NICE GUY EDDIE I thought the cheatin wife shot Andy. ~ MR. BLONDE They say it in the song. ~ NICE GUY EDDIE I know, I heard it. I musta zoned out whenever that part came on before. I thought when she said that little sister stuff, she was talkin about her sister- in-law, the cheatin wife. ~ JOE No, she did it. She killed the cheatin wife, too. ~ MR. PINK You know the part in "Gypsies, Tramps and Theives," when she says "Poppa woulda shot his if he knew what he'd done?" I could never figure out what he did. ~ The table laughs. The WAITRESS comes over to the table. She has the check, and a pot of coffee. ~ WAITRESS Can I get anybody more coffee. ~ JOE No, we're gonna be hittin it. I'll take care of the check. ~ She hands the bill to him. ~ WAITRESS Here ya go. Please pay at the register, if you wouldn't mind. ~ JOE Sure thing. ~ WAITRESS You guys have a wonderful day. ~ They all mutter equivalents. She exits and Joe stands up. ~ JOE I'll take care of this, you guys leave the tip. (to Mr. White) And when I come back, I want my book back. ~ MR. WHITE Sorry, it's my book now. ~ JOE Blonde, shoot this piece of shit, will ya? ~ Mr. Blonde shoots Mr. White with his finger. Mr White acts shot. Joe exits. ~ NICE GUY EDDIE Okay, everybody cough up green for the little lady. ~ Everybody whips out a buck, and throws it on the table. Everybody, that is, except Mr. Pink. ~ NICE GUY EDDIE C'mon, throw in a buck. ~ MR. PINK Uh-uh. I don't tip. ~ NICE GUY EDDIE Whaddaya mean you don't tip? ~ MR. PINK I don't believe in it. ~ NICE GUY EDDIE You don't believe in tipping? ~ MR. BLUE Do you have any idea what these ladies make? They make shit. ~ MR. WHITE Don't give me that. She don't make enough money, she can quit. ~ Everybody laughs. ~ NICE GUY EDDIE I don't even know a Jew who'd have the balls to say that. So let's get this straight. You never ever tip? ~ MR. PINK I don't tip because society says I gotta. I tip when somebody deserves a tip. When somebody really puts forth an effort, they deserve a little something extra. But this tipping automatically, that shit's for the birds. As far as I'm concerned, they're just doin their job. ~ MR. BLUE Our girl was nice. ~ MR. PINK Our girl was okay. She didn't do anything special. ~ MR. BLUE What's something special, take ya in the kitchen and suck your dick? ~ They all laugh. ~ NICE GUY EDDIE I'd go over twelve percent for that. ~ MR. PINK Look, I ordered coffee. Now we've been here a long fuckin time, and she's only filled my cup three times. When I order coffee, I want it filled six times. ~ MR. BLONDE What if she's too fucking busy? ~ MR. PINK The words "too fucking busy" shouldn't be in a waitress's vocabulary. ~ NICE GUY EDDIE Excuse me, Mr. Pink, but the last thing you need is another cup of coffee. ~ They all laugh. ~ MR. PINK These ladies aren't starvin to death. They make minimum wage. When I worked for minimum wage, I wasn't lucky enough to have a job that society deemed tipworthy. ~ NICE GUY EDDIE Ahh, now we're getting down to it. It's not just that he's a cheap bastard-- ~ MR. ORANGE --It is that too-- ~ NICE GUY EDDIE --It is that too. But it's also he couldn't get a waiter job. You talk like a pissed off dishwasher: "Fuck those cunts and their fucking tips." ~ MR. BLONDE So you don't care that they're counting on your tip to live? ~ Mr. Pink rubs two of his fingers together. ~ MR. PINK Do you know what this is? It's the world's smallest violin, playing just for the waitresses. ~ MR. WHITE You don't have any idea what you're talking about. These people bust their ass. This is a hard job. ~ MR. PINK So's working at McDonald's, but you don't feel the need to tip them. They're servin ya food, you should tip em. But no, society says tip these guys over here, but not those guys over there. That's bullshit. ~ MR. ORANGE They work harder than the kids a McDonald's. ~ MR. PINK Oh yeah, I don't see them cleaning fryers. ~ MR. BROWN These people are taxed on the tips they make. When you stiff 'em, you cost them money. ~ MR. WHITE Waitressing is the number one occupation for female non-college graduates in this country. It's the one jab basically any woman can get, and make a living on. The reason is because of tips. ~ MR. PINK Fuck all that. ~ They all laugh. ~ MR. PINK Hey, I'm very sorry that the government taxes their tips. That's fucked up. But that ain't my fault. it would appear that waitresses are just one of the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis. You show me a paper says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it. Put it to a vote, I'll vote for it. But what I won't do is play ball. And this non- college bullshit you're telling me, I got two words for that: "Learn to fuckin type." Cause if you're expecting me to help out with the rent, you're in for a big fuckin surprise. ~ MR. ORANGE He's convinced me. Give me my dollar back. Everybody laughs. Joe's comes back to the table. ~ JOE Okay ramblers, let's get to rambling. Wait a minute, who didn't throw in? ~ MR. ORANGE Mr. Pink. ~ JOE (to Mr. Orange) Mr. Pink? (to Mr. Pink) Why? ~ MR. ORANGE He don't tip. ~ JOE (to Mr. Orange) He don't tip? (to Mr. Pink) You don't tip? Why? ~ MR. ORANGE He don't believe in it. ~ JOE (to Mr. Orange) He don't believe in it? (to Mr. Pink) You don't believe in it? ~ MR. ORANGE Nope. ~ JOE (to Mr. Orange) Shut up! (to Mr. Pink) Cough up the buck, ya cheap bastard, I paid for your goddamn breakfast. ~ MR. PINK Because you paid for the breakfast, I'm gonna tip. Normally I wouldn't. ~ JOE Whatever. Just throw in your dollar, and let's move. (to Mr. Blonde) See what I'm dealing with here. Infants. I'm fuckin dealin with infants. ~ The eight men get up to leave. Mr. White's waist is in the F.G. As he buttons his coat, for a second we see he's carrying a gun. They exit Uncle Bob's Pancake House, talking amongst themselves.